Bottom of the Barrel

Thirteen Ways to Suffer

AtariCrypt was never meant to dwell on the rotten side of the Atari ST, but even the finest computer ever built managed to cough up a few absolute clunkers. Those who have been reading the rubbish I post might remember this page from many moons ago - worth checking out. Anyhow, in the spirit of being silly, I’m dedicating a new page to the games best avoided, unless you relish agony. Naturally, people will disagree with my choices, and that’s perfectly fine. Everyone is entitled to an opinion - even when they are wrong.

You know, I could have included a lot of games when I thought about it: Street Fighter, Highway Patrol II, Afterburner, Red Heat, Rolling Thunder, Top Gun, STUN Runner, Forgotten Worlds, Clever And Smart, Thunder Blade, Crazy Cars 2, Wolfchild, Cannon Fodder, Battlezone, Northstar, Pegasus, Hard Drivin', Frenetic, Paragliding, Uridium, Dragon's Lair, /etc/etc/. Perhaps they will be a Part Three one day?

Remember, I play these games so you don't have to. So, in no particular order...

Sleepwalker - this grates me badly. Think about it: released at a time when commercial gaming companies were leaving the ST, and then one of the biggest took the plunge and produced something truly beautiful for the Atari STe no less. Well, aesthetically speaking. The game itself is a terrible take on a similar concept to Lemmings. It does not work, as it's a stressful experience. Aren't games meant to be fun? Well, this has none. Yep, literally none. [ link ]

Carlos - A platformer that also looks great, but those who have followed AtariCrypt for many years will remember how disappointed I was with it. Some platformers, like Switchblade, don’t need scrolling, and it would be a problem if they did. Others, however, absolutely demand it. Seeing its action stop - as everything scrolls in different directions - is embarrassing. [ link ]

Knightmare - I love dungeon crawling, and my work on AtariCrypt tends to halt as I spend hours exploring their world. Everything like Temple of Apshai, Questron II, and Times of Lore I've thoroughly enjoyed. Knightmare appears to have it all, except gameplay. Talk about a confusing, unbalanced nightmare. It might look good, but just play Dungeon Master. [ link ]

Chuckie Egg II - Hold on a minute! This game was mentioned in the last post, but it’s so bad I’m adding it again. Okay, so AnF's 1984 sequel is something special that holds a dear place in my heart. Like JSW, the freedom to roam is granted, making it perfect for getting out there and exploring until your heart's content. It's brilliant and one of my fave Speccy games. Sadly, the ST version is diabolical. The controls are very wrong and make it completely unplayable. [ link ]

Chopper X - I'm probably going to get slated for this one, right? It seems a lot of people out there enjoy this vertical shooter. Well, I find it quite playable but downright boring compared to others like Flying Shark, SWIV, Xenon, and so on. However, it's that damn repetitive music that adds salt to my wounds (MIDI is just as bad lol). Arghhh, stay away!! [ link ]

Days Of Thunder - As a NASCAR fan, I figured I would love this game. No. Not only does it look unfinished, but it performs like a lame dog struggling to run through slutch. Not an ounce of fun can be found within this dreary, chug-along racer. What an awful game. [ link ]

Out Run - I am sure everyone knew this game would appear sooner or later. Jerky, eye-busting framerates that spoil what might have been. There could be light at the end of the tunnel, as there is an unfinished, upgraded version for the STe that is a zillion times better than the original. If you must play this, then make sure you're booting up the right version! [ link ]

Badlands Pete - This is one of those games that looks the business, and I instantly said to myself, "I need to play that!". Sadly, nobody remembered to playtest it before its release. It's far too frustrating as all NPCs are constantly gunning for you; not only the bad guys, but preachers, women, townsfolk, etc. No thought went into this one. A ginormous shame! [ link ]

The Addams Family - I'm pretty sure this is another that many will disagree with me on? Well, it looks great, and the opening stage plays fine, but there's that dreaded push-scrolling, which does not work well. Sure, it's fine at the start, but those later levels are incredibly tough, so your performance suffers from the lack of real scrolling. It totally ruins the game. [ link ]

Liberator - A basic vertical shooter, but an extremely poor one by ST standards. Especially with regards to the graphics, which look like I drew them on an Amstrad CPC! Yes, it's quite embarrassing to play, and it could/should have been miles better. [ link ]

Marble Madness - Atari ruined an Atari game; how weird is that? Not only is it far behind a certain other computer's version, but it's also riddled with bugs. Avoid. [ link ]

Jinks - Sigh, where do I begin? Imagine something like Breakout that scrolls. A confusing, pointless game with far too much pink to be attractive. Interestingly, PP updated it and replaced the horrendous "scrolling", but that still cannot save this atrocity. Awful. [ link ]

Jungle Hero - This is another that I was unsure about adding. It's gut-wrenchingly bad. So much so that it's actually something you need to experience. At least once. Go on, read my review first about the controls and bugs, then you might enjoy it a little. Maybe. [ link ]

Now that I've got all that tension off my chest, I'd love to know if you guys have any dreaded ST games you hate - and why. What are your nightmare games? Or is it just me being Mr Grumps?

I hope you enjoyed this little tongue-in-cheek feature.

When a game looks this good, it’s bound to be a belter, right?

Another platformer that looks stunning. Gameplay? What gameplay?

It looks 10x better than Dungeon Master, yet it's 100000x worse!

Developed by someone who obviously never played the original. Diabolical.

What do people see in this?

D o   n o t   b o t h e r

Argh, it's Out Run!! Seriously, I hope Pete completes the STe version...

Ohh, this could have been so good, but they forgot to playtest before releasing it!

Fantastic graphics and a great opening stage. Terrible difficulty afterwards.

There are no words. It's worth booting up just to experience this odd game.

A lame port of their own game. Very disappointing.

A cute teddy bear can't save this weird game!

Actually, this game is so ridiculous that you guys need to play it.

Fireforce

Space Master

Fireforce is probably best described as Dungeon Master meets Alien, only this time you're patrolling a sci-fi spaceship with shotguns. Step into the boots of a government space marine and prepare to stalk gangs of alien nasties lurking in the claustrophobic corridors. Released in 1995 by Roland Tomczak of Trigon Software, it even supports multiple players (sharing the monitor) via keyboard, joystick, or joypad.

Fireforce is a first-person, 90° grid-based crawler, but the swords and magic have been swapped for pistols, shotguns, and machine guns. There's not much by way of complex objectives, just survive and kill anything that moves. Fine by me! Sadly, I only found the unregistered shareware version, thus some features are locked. Even so, you can still go monster hunting and play against friends - ala deathmatch-style!

Generously, there are two game types in the unregistered version: solo missions, where you need to clear out the enemies in three different environments, or multiplayer skirmishes where you and a mate (or mates) blast at each other on the same screen. That's right, split-screen multiplayer, which is extraordinary. We're automatically equipped with guns, though I found the machine gun particularly handy for mowing down my opposition. The premise is simple: shoot fast, shoot straight, and try not to end up as space dust.

It might look similar, but don't expect the controls to be like Dungeon Master; it plays more like an arcade shooter than an RPG. Moving forward and back is simple enough, but strafing requires awkward joystick combos that made my creaky old stick groan. Shooting is odd: push forward and fire at the same time, then pull down and fire to reload. Weapon switching is at least straightforward: hit fire and left/right.

Visually, a lot of work went into this game. The enemies might look a little silly, but the environments are dark and well drawn and also convey a strong sense of scale through large maps. Performance is excellent, no doubt helped along by Blitter acceleration. It's smooth, fast, and responsive, making exploration a joy. I only wish the 1-player "window" were larger, rather than the same small layout as in multiplayer. The audio might not feature the Falcon's tracker music, but the DMA sound effects make up nicely. Turn up the volume!

Fireforce is a cracking shooter. Once you get past the awkward controls, you're left with a fun, atmospheric shoot 'em up that drops a shotgun in your hands with only one demand: kill 'em all. Hunting monsters is satisfying, and the head-to-head mode is a real treat - grab an extra joystick or Jagpad if you can. So if you fancy Dungeon Master with guns and aliens, this game is more than worth downloading.

My only regret is not discovering it sooner. Argh, I'm thirty years late, but better late than never!!

• Atarimania has the unregistered download (we need the registered game)
• Hey, don't stop! Check out more enhanced games for the Atari STe.
• The Atari ST/e has more FPS games: commercial, freeware and even Doom!!

Monster hunting in 1-player mode. Argh, such screen wastage!

Let's go monster-hunting in 2-player mode!

Hey, I see a shadowy figure in the distance...

Oh no, it's head-to-head, and that fuzzy bit briefly appears when getting shot.

Only when three are playing will the screen be used fully.

Zedonoid

Another Fighting Machine

Zedonoid is an obscure shooter released in 1991 by KJ Grantham, and something I'd never heard of before. It shares similarities with Cybernoid, in which we control a craft as it navigates a series of treacherous caverns. Automated defences, tight spaces, and constant danger make staying alive very challenging.

Each screen plays out as a self-contained arena, where you must dodge patrolling enemies and locate the switch to unlock the exit. Along the way, power-ups offer brief advantages - double fire, missiles, and short-lived shields - but they rarely tip the balance for long, so be quick! Progress demands practice, careful movement, and a willingness to inch forward rather than charge in (and die). Fortunately, KJ implemented a password feature allowing access to later levels without restarting from the start each time. Brilliant!!

Zedonoid is incredibly close to being good, but it's not (hear me out). The controls could do with a nip more speed (especially to quickly fire), and there are possibly 1/2 too many enemies for the level's claustrophobic layout. However, for all its faults, I found myself replaying Zedonoid again and again (then some more). I’m absolutely terrible at this game and keep dying over and over. I need a cheat for it ASAP.

Despite all that (lol), for some weird reason, I absolutely loved this torturous game!

• The official floppy disk image can be downloaded from Atarimania.
• Atari Legend has a great menu disk by Serenade (I loooove their disks!).

Some enemies fire at you, others creepily try to shadow your movements.

Watch out, they're coming at us from all sides. Wait, I see a power-up!

Argh, I'm in the middle of dying... In true Oids style, a mothership appears!

I can see the switch, but getting to it proves very difficult!