Thirteen Ways to Suffer
AtariCrypt was never meant to dwell on the rotten side of the Atari ST, but even the finest computer ever built managed to cough up a few absolute clunkers. Those who have been reading the rubbish I post might remember this page from many moons ago - worth checking out. Anyhow, in the spirit of being silly, I’m dedicating a new page to the games best avoided, unless you relish agony. Naturally, people will disagree with my choices, and that’s perfectly fine. Everyone is entitled to an opinion - even when they are wrong.
You know, I could have included a lot of games when I thought about it: Street Fighter, Highway Patrol II, Afterburner, Red Heat, Rolling Thunder, Top Gun, STUN Runner, Forgotten Worlds, Clever And Smart, Thunder Blade, Crazy Cars 2, Wolfchild, Cannon Fodder, Battlezone, Northstar, Pegasus, Hard Drivin', Frenetic, Paragliding, Uridium, Dragon's Lair, /etc/etc/. Perhaps they will be a Part Three one day?
Remember, I play these games so you don't have to. So, in no particular order...
Sleepwalker - this grates me badly. Think about it: released at a time when commercial gaming companies were leaving the ST, and then one of the biggest took the plunge and produced something truly beautiful for the Atari STe no less. Well, aesthetically speaking. The game itself is a terrible take on a similar concept to Lemmings. It does not work, as it's a stressful experience. Aren't games meant to be fun? Well, this has none. Yep, literally none. [ link ]Carlos - A platformer that also looks great, but those who have followed AtariCrypt for many years will remember how disappointed I was with it. Some platformers, like Switchblade, don’t need scrolling, and it would be a problem if they did. Others, however, absolutely demand it. Seeing its action stop - as everything scrolls in different directions - is embarrassing. [ link ]Knightmare - I love dungeon crawling, and my work on AtariCrypt tends to halt as I spend hours exploring their world. Everything like Temple of Apshai, Questron II, and Times of Lore I've thoroughly enjoyed. Knightmare appears to have it all, except gameplay. Talk about a confusing, unbalanced nightmare. It might look good, but just play Dungeon Master. [ link ]Chuckie Egg II - Hold on a minute! This game was mentioned in the last post, but it’s so bad I’m adding it again. Okay, so AnF's 1984 sequel is something special that holds a dear place in my heart. Like JSW, the freedom to roam is granted, making it perfect for getting out there and exploring until your heart's content. It's brilliant and one of my fave Speccy games. Sadly, the ST version is diabolical. The controls are very wrong and make it completely unplayable. [ link ]Chopper X - I'm probably going to get slated for this one, right? It seems a lot of people out there enjoy this vertical shooter. Well, I find it quite playable but downright boring compared to others like Flying Shark, SWIV, Xenon, and so on. However, it's that damn repetitive music that adds salt to my wounds (MIDI is just as bad lol). Arghhh, stay away!! [ link ]Days Of Thunder - As a NASCAR fan, I figured I would love this game. No. Not only does it look unfinished, but it performs like a lame dog struggling to run through slutch. Not an ounce of fun can be found within this dreary, chug-along racer. What an awful game. [ link ]Out Run - I am sure everyone knew this game would appear sooner or later. Jerky, eye-busting framerates that spoil what might have been. There could be light at the end of the tunnel, as there is an unfinished, upgraded version for the STe that is a zillion times better than the original. If you must play this, then make sure you're booting up the right version! [ link ]Badlands Pete - This is one of those games that looks the business, and I instantly said to myself, "I need to play that!". Sadly, nobody remembered to playtest it before its release. It's far too frustrating as all NPCs are constantly gunning for you; not only the bad guys, but preachers, women, townsfolk, etc. No thought went into this one. A ginormous shame! [ link ]The Addams Family - I'm pretty sure this is another that many will disagree with me on? Well, it looks great, and the opening stage plays fine, but there's that dreaded push-scrolling, which does not work well. Sure, it's fine at the start, but those later levels are incredibly tough, so your performance suffers from the lack of real scrolling. It totally ruins the game. [ link ]Liberator - A basic vertical shooter, but an extremely poor one by ST standards. Especially with regards to the graphics, which look like I drew them on an Amstrad CPC! Yes, it's quite embarrassing to play, and it could/should have been miles better. [ link ]Marble Madness - Atari ruined an Atari game; how weird is that? Not only is it far behind a certain other computer's version, but it's also riddled with bugs. Avoid. [ link ]Jinks - Sigh, where do I begin? Imagine something like Breakout that scrolls. A confusing, pointless game with far too much pink to be attractive. Interestingly, PP updated it and replaced the horrendous "scrolling", but that still cannot save this atrocity. Awful. [ link ]Jungle Hero - This is another that I was unsure about adding. It's gut-wrenchingly bad. So much so that it's actually something you need to experience. At least once. Go on, read my review first about the controls and bugs, then you might enjoy it a little. Maybe. [ link ]
Now that I've got all that tension off my chest, I'd love to know if you guys have any dreaded ST games you hate - and why. What are your nightmare games? Or is it just me being Mr Grumps?
I hope you enjoyed this little tongue-in-cheek feature.
When a game looks this good, it’s bound to be a belter, right?
Another platformer that looks stunning. Gameplay? What gameplay?
It looks 10x better than Dungeon Master, yet it's 100000x worse!
Developed by someone who obviously never played the original. Diabolical.
What do people see in this?
D o n o t b o t h e r
Argh, it's Out Run!! Seriously, I hope Pete completes the STe version...
Ohh, this could have been so good, but they forgot to playtest before releasing it!
Fantastic graphics and a great opening stage. Terrible difficulty afterwards.
There are no words. It's worth booting up just to experience this odd game.
A lame port of their own game. Very disappointing.
A cute teddy bear can't save this weird game!
Actually, this game is so ridiculous that you guys need to play it.
